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| I can't decide if I'm excited that this semester is almost over, or if I'm sad. This summer doesn't have a whole lot of appeal for me, because I'm probably just gonna be waiting tables to make as much money as possible. That's gonna be pretty much what the summer is all about. I really hate that, too. Money sucks. It drives so much of our lives, whether we have it or not. I don't want to be driven by it. And yet, sometimes I feel that it would be immature to say that I'm not willing to work my butt off in order to make money for some of the things I really want to do. School, for instance, is a pretty big motivator for me to work and make money. If you haven't read George Orwell's Keep the Aspidistra Flying, give it a shot. It's a pretty thought-provoking read about money and the ways in which it controls our lives.
Lord, please give me more hope, more faith, and more of You. Love on me--wrap your arms around me. Even in the comfort of Your embrace, though, I need you to lift me up and push me to live for You. Am I coasting right now in my spiritual life, Lord? I don't even know which way is up when it comes to my walk . . . am I doing well right now? It kind of seems like I'm struggling, but maybe that's a good thing. Or am I doing well when I don't even have to think about it?
Thank you for friends, Lord. You have been so gracious and generous to me. Help me to be responsible with the relationships with which you've blessed me. Help me to love those people like You do (as much as possible), and to minister to them and be unselfish and uplifting. But also edify me, Lord. Don't let that be a totally draining experience. Help me to grow through that. And, oh, God! help me to guard my heart. Somehow I know I'm supposed to do that, but I'm not really sure what it looks like. How do I love people and do that at the same time? I don't want to be hurt! Who does? And is it even fair for me to ask to be protected from the pain? It seems like you simply can't love people without experiencing pain.
Lord, thank You for being the Truth. Thank You for being You, for remaining steady, for always loving me no matter what I do, for always being the One on whom I can call, for being . . . everything. I want to cling to You--I must cling to You. What else is there? Without You, nothing. Help me to remember to make You my all.
Amen and el fin.
Oh, yeah, on a lighter note, I have a quotation from the ever-hilarious Bryan in today's English class (totally taken out of context, and probably not even funny to most of my readers): "So . . . bumblebee-like." | | |
| I'm not trying to wear this topic into the ground; however, this weekend while on a trip with some friends, we had a great discussion about guy's and girl's biblical roles in relationships. It was very helpful and grounding for me.
One of my guy friends brought up a really great point that hit me like a zinger. Okay, zinger is probably not the best term. It was not sharp and painful. But it was, as I said, a really good point.
He said that one thing he thinks it's important to remember is that coming up with a determination that says "a biblical relationship looks like this" is not the point. Instead, if two people are in a relationship and they are both seeking God on an individual basis as well as together, then he thinks that it will be a god-honoring relationship, because God will guide them in the way that they should go.
I have a feeling I did not do justice to the point that he made. But it was a great conversation with great friends--one which made me feel a lot better about the whole issue. It definitely has been on my mind a lot lately, and I know that this is an area in which I'm really going to have to ask for God to help me trust Him, particularly in this area of my life! | | |
| Nothing is wrong.
Everything is wrong.
I feel fine.
I feel like hell.
It's one of those nights--one which I need to sleep off, but I can't. I have way too much work to do to go to bed now. | | |
| For now I just want to share this quotation. It is alarmingly poignant.
"And Nothing is very strong; strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why, in the gratification of curiosities so feeble that the man is only half aware of them, in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off."
-C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
The End. | | |
| Lately I have found myself doubting God. I guess this is not so unusual, because most of my problems essentially stem from doubting Him. I probably wouldn't ever sin if I didn't doubt God. But this is the kind of doubting that disguises itself by pretending to simply doubt men. Indeed, it concerns men.
I have real trouble believing that God will bring someone into my life who will be strong enough and assertive enough to lead me. I don't think I'm setting this someone up for failure, either. I hope he will be an assertive, strong leader. I want to have a marriage someday that works because it follows the Biblical model. I have struggled with the concept that the man must be the leader, because a part of me says that is not fair and it makes the woman seem inferior. But I want so badly to follow the Biblical model because I have observed the undesirable repercussions with anything else. My only hope is that someday I will find someone who will lead me lovingly and will treat me not only as his equal, but someone to be cherished and treasured. But he's gonna have to be strong and assertive to step into that role.
Assertion will be so important. So many men are so passive today. Women are without excuse, too, I admit. But many women wear the proverbial pants in the family because they see that the man isn't, and they figure that someone has to. It works two ways, but men and women are really hindering each other from having fulfilling relationships.
I decided that if I were to end up with someone who wasn't taking the role of leader, I could still do my part and not take over. However, that is not enough. I would still be unhappy with the state of the relationship, and I don't want that.
I don't want to offend any guys out there. I trust that there are some who are willing to stick their necks out and be strong leaders. But here's where I doubt God. It's hard for me to believe that there will be one for me.
Regardless of my doubt, though, I want to challenge any guys who may be reading this: you must strive to find the balance in which you are a strong leader, but the girl is just as important and feels like an equal partner, not just a follower. Do not be passive. It's not an easy thing to find, I think. But somehow there's an interplay between the equality of men and women and the man's call to be the leader (and the woman's call to submit). Two of my worst fears concerning marriage are: 1) that I will end up married to a passive man, and 2) that I will end up married to a type of dictator.
Guys, please be aware that this is a huge issue. It's so important. Also remember that girls need to be handled gently, with love, and treated like treasures to be cherished. We need to be pursued, wooed, and cuddled (not coddled). We have to be important to you--important enough that you are willing to commit, even though it may be difficult sometimes, to honor us, get to know us, and spend time with us.
Lord, please help me to trust You. I doubt You so much in this area of my life, but I do want to honor You. I also want (very much) to have a godly, fulfilling relationship with my husband someday. Please take the desires of my heart and handle them gently. Mold them and shape them to resemble Yours, then grant them and bless me, Lord. I believe that my relationships have great bearing on whether or not I'm pursuing the abundant life that You have for me, so I want to honor You with them, and I'm willing to invest a lot. Give me wisdom, though, and bring the right people into my life so that I may touch and bless their hearts, and they may do the same for mine. Shine Your light through me, Lord.
Once again, to end on a lighter note, here are some pictures I really enjoy:
Ellie is modeling Cassie-Marie's new sunglasses.
Ollie likes to sleep--a lot!
El fin. | | |
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